writer rachel, 21, art music literature architecture fashion philosophy

my website Cherchez Beauté

wishlist
Books I want
tree of codes - jonathan safran foer
six walks in the fictional woods - umberto eco
the separate heart and other stories - simon robson
generosity - richard powers
shades of grey 2 - jasper fforde
fiction ilustrado - miguel syjuco
mr peanut - adam ross
light boxes - shane jones
a void - georges perec
the mind's eye - oliver sacks
the fall - guillermo deltoro
bel canto - ann patchett
wolf hall - hilary mantel
my name is red - orhan pamuk
the misfortune - wesley stace
time's arrow - martin amis
darkmans - nicola barker

Skin Care I Want
Anne Semonin Eye Express Radiance Ice Cube
Benefit Ultra Radiance Face Re-hydrating Mist
Clinique Repairwear Intensive Eye Cream
Murad Essential C Eye Cream SPF 15
No. 7 Protect & Perfect Intense Eye Cream
Tokyo Milk - EVERYTHING. I want everything from them, darn it.

Make Up I Want
Amazing Cosmetics Amazing Anti-Aging Face Primer
Benefit Sugarbomb
Benefit Moon Beam
Canmake Cream Cheek Blush Sweet Apricot
Coffret D'or Shine Drape Rouge (Glow)
Le Metier de Beaute Creme Fresh Tint in Poppy
Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush in Blissful
YSL Pure Black Lip Gloss

Other Stuff I want

Nail Polish Lemmings
Essie Starry Starry Night
Chanel Ciel de Nuit
Clarins 230

a-england Lady of the Lake
BB Couture Dragon's Breath
BB Couture Napa Valley Red
Bb Couture Mendocino Midnight
BB Couture Redwood Forest and loads more BB Couture polishes...

Butter LONDON Black Knight
Butter LONDON Tart With a Heart

Color Club Untamed Luxury
Color Club Otherworldly
Color Club Scent-suous Gingerbread Man
Color Club Scent-suous Santa's Cinnamon
Color Club Scent-suous Sugar Plum Yum

China Glaze OMG! Collection

Cult Nails Hypnotize Me

Deborah Lippmann Edge of Glory Holographic top coat
Deborah Lippmann Call Me Irresponsible
Deborah Lippmann Forget You

Dior Exquis

Essie Geranium
Essie Strawberry Sorbet
Essie Swept Off My Feet
Essie Mademoiselle
Essie Marshmallow
Essie Mesmerize
Essie As Gold As It Gets
Essie Pure Pearlfection

Estessimo TiNS The Neo-Vintage Dress

Etude House BL009
Etude House WH004

Finger Paints Special Effects Asylum
Finger Paints Special Effects Twisted
Finger Paints Evergreen Dream
Finger Paints Sparkle Top Coat
Finger Paints Cordur Orange
Finger Paints Holly Good Times
Finger Paints Floatin' On a Cloud

Glitter Gal Marine Blue

Golden Rose Scale Effects: 2, 5, 11

HITS Lambada Flake
HITS Valsa Flake

Illamasqua Rampage
Illamasqua Boo! and Hiss Nail Pantomime Duo

Kleancolor Metallic Orange
Kleancolor Metallic Green
Kleancolor Holo Chrome

L'Oreal Owl's Night

Ludurana Aurora Boreal Reluz
Ludurana Aurora Boreal Emocionnante

Lynnderella (Llarowe stocks in January) Cauldron Drippings
Lynnderella Happy Holo-Daze
Lynnderella Gotta Love Brains
Lynnderella Bride of Franken

OPI Time-less is more
OPI DS Extravagance
OPI Diva of Geneva
OPI Jade is the New Black
OPI Can You Tapas This
Orly Galaxy Girl
Orly Lunar Eclipse
Orly Au Champagne
Orly Royal Velvet
Orly Meet Me Under the Mistletoe
Orly Happily Ever After

Ozotic 624
Ozotic 531
Ozotic 532

pa A19
pa Q24
pa A24
pa A134

Periphera - any polishes, especially the perfume enamels as I don't have these yet. From Korea.

Picture Polish Hypnotic (Coming out in 2012)
Picture Polish Vegas

Mavala Agena

Missha HGR01

Nicole by OPI Hard-Kourt Fashionista
Nicole by OPI Kourt is Red-y For a Pedi
Nfu Oh 51
Nfu Oh 52
Nfu Oh 56

Nubar Peacock Feathers
Nubar 2010
Nubar Swiss Chocolate
Nubar Sour Candy
Nubar Gold Feather
Nubar Greener
Nubar Indigo Illusion
Nubar WIldlife
Nubar Purple Beach

Rescue Beauty Lounge Recherche
Rescue Beauty Lounge Anne

Revlon Facets of Fuschia

Sally Hansen Nail Prisms Turquoise Opal

SpaRitual Golden Gleam
SpaRitual Howl

Zoya Casey
Zoya Adina
Zoya Kimmy


cool stuff
Style.com
City of Skies
Flickr
Spinner
Fashion Nation
Scrangie
Vampy Varnish
All Lacquered Up

credits maker
picture
brushes
blogspot
blogskins

Monday, March 02, 2009
fragmented

Sometimes it hurts as more people vanish. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes there's a need for answers. Sometimes, one should just leave questions hanging and hope there'll come a time of contentment. This time, it's the latter. Seems like it's been a lot of the latter within the span of the last year and the beginning of this one.

Amazingly enough, I wonder what I ever did wrong. I don't want to think badly of myself, but it seems that this is the only way I can think of myself. Consider the number of times I'm dealing with such issues, and you'll understand what I mean. Hm, being a hermit suddenly seems like an attractive alternative. People are just so hard to deal with. It's as if (trying) to be an empath suddenly isn't enough; one must be interesting, funny, sensitive, nice, social, not too nice, intellectual, empathetic, sympathetic amongst a myriad other qualities people should have. Oh wait, you also have to be yourself, in addition to all of the above (if you haven't already lost yourself in all those things you should be).

It's incredibly hard to be a person, isn't it?

---

Surprises never fail to pounce on one when one least expects them. But I guess nothing stands in the way of emotions. The old cliche, "Follow your heart", has never rung truer. Too bad my heart's already given up on following anyone. There are limits to hope; even the most optimistic person has boundaries beyond which they will not dare venture. I've kind of reached my breaking point. Give me any more grief and I might well become an automaton who says "Yes", "No" and "Wha-?" in my trademark blur manner, as I flounder through school and speed home for some reprieve immediately after lessons end. I don't want new things anymore. Computers and the Internet are good for amusing myself in the endless afternoons spent at home. At least I understand them and how they function.

I will be myself, like it or not. And dammit, judging from personal experience, many people don't. It's a constant struggle to find a balance between being unabashedly yourself, and being "accepted". I hate it that I need peer acceptance so much, but yes, that's the awful truth and I bet most people have the same sentiment. I know you people who don't dare fess up. I've been there anyway. Come on now, you know that deep down you want to resonate with others, communicate your ideas to them and be accepted for who you are, not what you look like or what you seem to be.

It's incredibly hard to be a person, isn't it?

---

I don't know anymore. I don't know what it would take to be Rachel. Not any old Rachel, this Rachel. Till I know again, I'll just go about mindlessly doing what I have to do when I have to do those things and be where I have to be. Other times I'm just a dreamer in violet haze.

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